Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Noted.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.