You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[canadians at you, canadianly]
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.