Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you