you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
He instantly became one of the bros
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
how high up are we talkin’?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards