Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another day, another…goddammit

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

PER MY LAST EMAIL

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.