you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.