you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
You Might Also Like
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.