you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view