You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
North and South
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭