Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

🍞🦆

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.