You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
🤣🤣💀
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.