Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Good dog. ❤️

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

These work great until they don’t.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

weaknesses

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches