You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*skinny dips into black hole
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Spotted in New Orleans.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?