Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.