You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.