You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
tfw you realize …
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.