You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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How high do the levels go?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I have no passwords left in me
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.