You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Netflix: We have Less
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My blood type is coffee.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
