Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Interior design 👌

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

A drum solo but on your face.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Hot hot hot 🥵

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel