You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Any refunds available?…
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment