You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand