“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
PARKOUR
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Autocarrot sucks!
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??