“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.