Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

#Caturday

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

shampoo implies shampee

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Simple

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.