“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
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I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.