Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Ok, but like, how married are you?

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.