“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I think this cat is broken
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.