“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You Might Also Like
fourth time’s the charm
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.