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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.