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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.