“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Cha-ching is my safe word
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.