“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
You Might Also Like
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them