“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.