Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home