You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Sing it!
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
sweet dreams💖
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]