Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.