Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

I have so many questions.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.