Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old