You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!