You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m aging like a fine banana
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them