@STATEofCONFUZUN

You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.

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@ComicLover_94

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

@causticbob

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

@_ElvishPresley_

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@MattElGato

The first rule of fight club is don’t hit hard I’m very sensitive

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@JCWisdomNuggets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.