You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.