You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*