You’re the water to my grease fire.
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
watergate? u mean a dam??
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When someone trying to leave me
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant