You’re the water to my grease fire.
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When he asks for feet pics
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me irl
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.