You’re the water to my grease fire.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.