Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac