Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

I think they could have phrased this better

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops