**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
boat question
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
This made me smile…
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
