Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I put the p in pants.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.