“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
old twitter is back baby
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
What do you hear?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
