“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
No flush
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.