Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.