Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.