Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.