You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
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I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Never forget.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.