Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you to the refrigerator and back

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.