Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”