You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
There is no “we” in chocolate.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.