Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

doing your own taxes

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

“We will wed,” I threatened