“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby