“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man