“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK