you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”