Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally