Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

s
o

c

i

a

l

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.