Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)