You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Friday
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.