You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)