First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You Might Also Like
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.