Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

felt that

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

LOL

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.