Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
😎 🍻
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*brings nachos to your exorcism*