Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
dogs can find happiness so easily
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Joseph Smith, 1833
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Inside you there are two wolves
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”