Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.