Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#inspiration #foodforthought

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s