Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

I can’t stop watching this.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

I think this should do it.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Birds & Planes.

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.