Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

Are we there yet?…

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.