Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
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“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*orders delivery*
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.