Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back