Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

💀💀

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”