Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties