Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Morning.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.