[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me