[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?