[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Battery falling down a hole
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
We like the way Dwight thinks
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…