that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
is it earth
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.